Well, I haven’t written since March soooo… my bad! Over the past few months, it seems like there has been so much that has happened, but I am writing to tell you about the best thing that happened. We found out on Father’s Day that we are going to be parents! It was a planned surprise (if that even makes sense). I guess I now have even more of a reason to keep up with this blog, even if there are only two people who read it (Lauren and Nicole)!

Tomorrow is the start of my second trimester and it’s already gone by so fast. The first trimester wasn’t so bad. There were a couple days of nausea and many days filled with taco cravings (which could easily be Charlene cravings and not baby cravings). The hardest part of all of this is the emotional side of it, specifically knowing that nothing is really in my control. Body image has been a tough thing for me to deal with over the years, and we all know, when you grow a human your body, the only things consistent about your body is change. Knowing that you could get stretch marks or extra skin that may never go away is scary, and I hate to sound vain, but it terrifies me. The world tells you that you should look a certain way, but God is helping me learn I can love my body that He gave me, even as it changes. The truth is this is a tiny little miracle inside my belly. I am sure someone may read this and think “you should be thankful you can even got pregnant, because there are some that can’t even do that”, and believe me I am thankful, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have struggles along the way.

I have learned that I am not in control of my body in more ways than one. A couple weeks ago we had a pregnancy scare, which really opened my eyes and heart to things I have tried to avoid. When I was on a work trip, I started bleeding, and of course there have been times of spotting, but this time there was actual blood. My heart sank when I saw that, because in what I have read spotting is okay, but bleeding is reason for some concern. I was on a work trip so I could not do much or go to the doctors. I just sat alone in my hotel room crying, thinking this was the end of the pregnancy I so desperately desired. Nobody likes losing something or someone. In fear of that hurt, I tried to not attach myself to this little human so the pain would not be as harsh if there was a miscarriage. But as I sat in that hotel room, alone, crying to God, I realized that there was something else I could not control-my love for this little child. I came to the hard realization that not allowing yourself to love other people is not allowing yourself to truly be loved. Life is going to be hard. We will all lose people we love. But we can’t spend our whole lives keeping people at arms length in fear of heartache. What kind of life is that? It is empty. This pregnancy has opened my eyes to many things, but the most impactful thing has been allowing myself to love this little bean without fear of the unknown.

The love and support from friends and family has been overwhelming, and as we look to the second trimester we are not only excited for this next phase, but the next chapter of our lives that we are embarking on. God has been so good to us through this journey, and I am more confident than ever that I am loved by God, as he heard my cries. Although this was hard to share, my hope is that someone else reads this and realizes they are not alone, and they do not have to be afraid. Loved people love people. It is okay to be vulnerable.

Well, that’s the happs with me! Until next time, which will be much sooner than 5 months. LOL!